Religion in the News

Communion Wine Spiked With Viagra in Texas

by Elroy Willis

LEWISVILLE, TX (EAP) -- A practical joke took an odd turn last Sunday at Kingston Lutheran Church in Lewisville Texas after someone spiked the communion wine with large doses of Viagra.

"I suspected something was wrong when I noticed many of the men squirming in their seats and rubbing their crotches," said Pastor Larry Barnes. "It was a nice day outside, and at first I thought they were just anxious to get out of here and go play some golf or maybe watch some football or baseball on TV or go fishing."

"My husband started rubbing my leg in a rather sensual manner," said Mrs. Tom Kerr, longtime member of the church. "He grabbed my hand and put it in his lap and pressed down on it over and over. I wasn't sure what to think," she said.

Things took a turn for the worse when nine-year-old Timmy Sutter stood up and shouted "Look, my penis is stiff just like Mr. Roberts said it would be some day!"

At this point, attention turned to Arthur Roberts of Dallas, TX, daycare director for the church. He got up and attempted to flee the service, but was stopped by other members near the back door of the church.

"He fell to the floor and started crying out 'Oh God, what have I done?' over and over," said Leroy Sutter, Tim's uncle.

Roberts then proceeded to give a full confession of his sexual activities with the young Sutter boy. "God should send me to hell for this," he said.

Many members of the church said Jesus will forgive Roberts, and that he has nothing to worry about when the day of judgement comes. They said Jesus will forgive anything, including child molestation and child abuse which takes place inside Christian churches.

Ron and Ruth Sutter, Tim's parents, are pressing sexual abuse charges against Roberts. "Our son is scarred for life and we intend to make Mr. Roberts pay for what he's done to our son," they said.

"If the god of this church could allow such a thing to happen, then we are quite frankly beginning to wonder what kind of a monster god he is and what kind of church this is."

Medical investigators are trying to figure out what caused the Sutter boy to react to the Viagra at such an early age, and suspect it's just a case of early puberty.

Several members of the church believe the practical joke was an act of God and not just one played by some prankster, and that it taught everyone in the church a valuable lesson about the evils of Viagra and sexual perversion.

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